I’m Free — And It Feels So Good

And the moment that thought came, I smiled.

It wasn’t just a random thought — it was a realization.
For the first time in a long, long time, I truly felt free.
Free to live, to dream, to make decisions for myself without guilt or fear of judgment.

You see, ever since I met and started dating my toxic ex — I haven’t really felt free. Even after we separated, I still felt caged. He was still around, hovering, saying things, judging, controlling with words, even from a distance. It was as if he didn’t want me to escape.
And I didn’t even realize how much that affected me.

Even when I thought I’d healed, I still carried that invisible cage.
That trauma — the one that makes you second-guess your choices, feel guilty for wanting more, or even feel wrong for being happy — it stayed with me.

But lately, something in me has shifted.
I look around my home, and I finally feel like, “This is my place.”
Not ours, not his and mine, not somewhere temporary.
Mine.

I can bring whoever I want here.
I can decorate it how I want.
I can build the life I want, without feeling guilty about it.

Even my toxic ex doesn’t have the right to just show up here, and that realization alone was freeing. I finally felt like I had taken my life back.

And funny enough, it reminded me of something I’d been saying to myself recently:
“I feel like I’m in my 20s again.”

At first, I thought it was because I was acting or thinking like my younger self — sometimes even in ways that felt a little childish — but now I understand it better.
It’s not about going back in age.
It’s about that state of mind I had in my 20s — when I was free, open, unburdened.
Back then, I wasn’t imprisoned by anyone’s opinion or manipulation.

My ex used to say things that stuck with me, that made me doubt and judge myself even when he wasn’t around. He trained me to keep myself small. I didn’t even know how to celebrate myself anymore.

But these days, I do.
The other day, I caught myself saying, “Abi, you’re doing really good.”
Because I am.

I’m raising two kids.
I’m paying rent.
I’m keeping everything together.
And somehow, I still manage to look good, to glow, to stay hopeful.

I looked at myself and thought — wow, I’m doing it.
I’m living, I’m standing, I’m thriving.

And for once, when I watch YouTubers who live solo and share their lives, it doesn’t feel unreal anymore. I used to watch them and think, “Hmm, maybe it’s just performance.”
But now, I get it. I can have that too.
Because I am living that life — solo, peaceful, building something real for myself and my kids.

I can have slow mornings.
I can decorate my space to reflect who I am now.
I can change how I dress.
I can work on my body — on my healing, my goals, my dreams.

And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

It feels so good to finally have this feeling again — to want life, to enjoy it, and to see possibilities where I used to see walls.

I’m free.
Truly free.
And this time, I’m not giving that freedom away again.