Ladies, Build Your Life & Find a Man Who Fits Into It

One thing I noticed during the marriage debate going on on TikTok is that some people kept asking in the comments:

Honestly, those comments made me sad.

Not because people disagree, but because they seem to ignore—or pretend not to know—the reality many women face.

I had wanted to write about this before, but I kept postponing it. Then I came across another video, this time from a man from another country, I think Nigeria. It was a live video. He mentioned several successful women and asked whether they were married or had been. Then he went on to say that people keep pushing the narrative that women cannot be successful after marriage.

That was when I left the livestream.

I could already see where he was heading, and it annoyed me.

The thing is, nobody is saying that women cannot be successful after marriage.

There are many successful married women in the world. 

What many women are saying is that marriage can either support your dreams or make pursuing them much harder, depending on the person you marry and the relationship you are in.

And I think it is dishonest for people—mostly men, but also some women who enable these narratives—to act as if we have not seen countless examples of women whose careers, education, ambitions, and futures have been limited or completely shut down by their husbands or partners.

Some women are prevented from going back to school.

Some are discouraged from working.

Some are made to choose between their marriage and their dreams.

Some are forced to choose between pursuing opportunities and staying close to their children because they are threatened with losing access to their children.

Some women are abandoned with the children and left to carry the responsibilities alone.

Not every woman speaks publicly about these experiences.

Some are ashamed.

Some want to protect their homes.

Some do not want people to know what is happening behind closed doors.

Others enter marriage believing they will still be able to pursue their goals, only to discover that the responsibilities placed on them make it almost impossible.

They find themselves responsible for nearly everything in the home while trying to be wives, mothers, workers, students, and caregivers all at once.

And let's not pretend we have not seen men openly say these things themselves.

I have seen comments under videos of women exercising, building businesses, pursuing hobbies, or working toward their goals where men joke that the solution is to get her pregnant so she can stop focusing on those things.

People laugh at these comments, but there is often truth behind jokes.

Some men intentionally use pregnancy to tie women down or slow them down.

Some men refuse to hire domestic help because they want the woman to handle everything herself.

Some use physical violence.

Some use emotional abuse.

Some use manipulation and guilt.

Some simply do not feel comfortable seeing their wives succeed beyond them.

Some become insecure when the woman earns more money or achieves more professionally.

Others want a woman who will always be available to meet their needs and priorities, almost like a mother rather than a partner.

This is why I believe women need to think carefully about marriage and relationships.

Marriage and children often change the pace of a woman's life.

Not because women are incapable, but because both require time, energy, emotional labour, and support.

That is why I always say: build your life and then find a man who fits into it.

Think about the future you want.

Think about the life you imagine for yourself.

Does this person understand that vision?

Do they support it?

Do they share similar values?

Do they see life in a similar way?

Because these things matter.

The same goes for having children.

Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood can be beautiful experiences, but they can also be demanding, especially when there is little support.

Your freedom changes.

Your responsibilities increase.

Your attention becomes divided.

That is why I think women should think carefully about when they want children, whether they want children, and what it will realistically take to raise them emotionally, financially, and practically.

These are choices.

And women have every right to make those choices for themselves.

After reading those comments and watching those videos, these were the thoughts that came to my mind.

Women have the right to plan their lives.

Women have the right to pursue their dreams.

Women have the right to decide what kind of future they want for themselves.

And if they want a man to share that future with, they can choose someone whose values align with theirs and who understands the life they are trying to build.

Life becomes much easier when you are walking in the same direction.

We do not enter relationships simply for the sake of being in one.

We enter relationships because they add something meaningful to our lives, because they are fulfilling, and because they fit the stage of life we find ourselves in.

At least, that is how I see it.